4th of October


.. Guess it only took me 2 days to realise the guy is not so bad …but I am the mean one…and the idiot one….poor guys is not so bad…he is a fighter and he insists that I am the chosen one for him…that I am the one who can bring him up and empower him….

But am I really that good? Am I the one whom he needs? He already has a little girl….but he has issue with her mom….and well…he is a little complicated…. Which is why I do not want to keep him away from his family….but I am not ready to be a mother…. I never want kids… but on the other hand, the girl needs a real home and a real family… And the law should be on his side. Why not do a good deed and help him get that family. It’s not like I gave birth to her, but I am sure I can never hate a child. I am an immense contradiction. I say I don’t like kids, but here I am thinking on how to get his daughter back to him…to have his dream come true…. to have his family….

Until then, there are several steps to take and the first one is to meet each other and see if we fit…yet somehow I have a feeling that we’re gonna be like a matching puzzle.

If I am to be fair, he would be the second man to whom I have thoughts of family things…and having a home….together…The first one was D., but he then showed his true colors and just became used to the idea of me….

I am thinking too far… things must be taken step by step…

I have the brains, the money and the means…he has the patience, respect and work and I believe that we can make this work. Only I need to be more open to him and more appreciative… I have issues with being appreciative…. I see the good in the bad people and those who do not deserve me and give them the benefit of doubt and yet, when those who truly need me, I kick them when they’re down…. maybe that is why some days I feel so bad….because I have a conscience that tells me: STOP IT IDIOT! YOU NEED TO LIFT THEM, not BREAK THEM!
Now I am done with the small cries and tears….

 

Now, today, I just want to be lazy and do nothing at all! I will take a shower later and wash my clothes, but not right now. Now I just wanna lay in my bed and do nothing…

Watch movies and just waste away the time….after all I have nothing else to do….
If you ever read the blog, yes, you, I am talking about you, Sir Magiiiiiii! In case you ever read the blog, do not be sad of the words I said before… just take them as a loss of my mind – momentary loss – maybe because I Was influenced by what I felt in the past, or how I was treated in the past…and that is causing me fear….

I still fear certain things: what if I am not good enough for you?
What if you find a different lady, a younger, more beautiful and smarter than me? What if she wants to have kids with you? What if…. ( my parents will not like you – but that is irrelevant, they do not mess with my life) 😛 They leave me to my means…proof of that is the fact that I ran away to Bucharest to graduate English-Japanese =))) my dad was not happy at first, and then he was grumpy (but then again, he always is ) :))))
Anyway, yes I do have fears…and regarding the physical aspect..let’s just say that can be done and indeed beauty is not forever, it goes away…and indeed I would be proud to see you with everything done: the papers, documents and have a job and be good and healthy….

And yes, I would be complete if you were with me, next to me, to hold me and to spoil me as much as I would spoil you… ( though I am not good at making breakfast or food) I know fashion and perfumes and other stuff. So, I really like treating my soulmate to the finest of the finest. Because only the finest people can have that from me and they deserve it! Yet, up until now, I have only met passing people who only..used me…never treated me right….and then they went on with their lives….

Conclussion of the day: I think one of the walls has fallen off…..and the rest are on their way to meet their doom…. or rather..to make way to a different sight….and a new beginning…..

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Happy Sunday!


Today is his Birthday!!! I am so happy with him, although sometimes I am grumpy and I fight with him for no normal reason, I feel he is mine and I am his.
On Saturday we made love the entire day and he was so romantic and I felt like a real woman. I had my finishing line at last!!!!

I found work at last and I started going to work and it is awesome! I sit in a chair and phone people to make appointments to send in their electrical appliances and electronics to be repaired. It is not difficult but I have to pay attention to details and make sure everything is good and correct.

People are nice and friendly at work and I have 3 breaks everyday: 10 minutes at 12, half an hour at 2PM and another 10 minutes at 4:30PM. During these breaks I go and have a smoke and then eat something at lunch, because I get so hungry after 5 hours of work. I stare at the screen and I have access to the internet and emails. I love writing emails as there are already some templates made and all I have to do is let people know that they have booked jobs with us and I ask them when they have the time to send in their electronics for repairs. It is quite easy and nice.

Today I woke up at 7:30 AM and I let the air go through the main room downstairs and then puffed some perfume in the room to smell nice. Then I left the air go in the kitchen and I took all the clothes outside inside to put them in their places. And then I went upstairs to wake him up, but not before I made coffee.

And now we are staying in the kitchen and watching some forecast on YOutube. And he is playing Mobile Legends on the tablet. Yesterday I panicked as I almost lost my tablet because I put an idiotic password and I had to hard reset my entire tablet. But everything was OK in the end and I managed to restore the backup I had saved a few months ago.

Write later! AWESOME SUNDAY, here I GO!

YOU DO NOT CARE!


….enough for me….if you did, you would no give me ultimatums like I am the last enemy on this planet! you say you care, but you don’t!

how do you explain yourself to someone who says your drama is smaller than theirs how can you cope when they say you need to change or they leave?

well, you cannot! you just cope on your own and just feel it all inside of you and just hope for the best as of tomorrow….. I never wanted anything in my life the way I want him to understand me and be there for me WITHOUT judging me!!!!

Can you do that for me, Magi ? Can you be the man I have always dreamed of ? My prince charming .? My King?! My one and only?! My chosen one?! I don’t think you really want to be that man and to have so much responsibility….

I would give anything for you to understand me… maybe it is my fault to be this strange and exhaustive and unpredictable…. but it is just me! And I am not going to change ! BUT! I will try to be better…not normal, just better. 🙂 And I will try to be a little more responsive to what you feel….

I do have feelings for you, but you trample all over my drama and you judge me telling me that my horrors are less than yours… This is not something I accept! Mine are mine and in my head they are making my entire universe of monsters! If you can help me understand them and make them go away..then you are really in love with me… But I am not sure you want that….

INSANITY


…is when you re-read what you have written over the years about feelings and realise that you have been whoring around yourself with your heart on your sleeve and nothing came out of it.

In the past I wrote something about what I was feeling but that something was not real, I know this only now because in this second, in this moment I know I have something real: he is here with me and he is feeling the same way.. I mean, after all, he left his job and accommodation just to stay with me and concentrate on our lives.

This means something real is happening and I need to hold on to it and treasure it and do my very best to improve and become the very best version of myself. I know I am not right or very much ok with my situation, but things can always get improved. So I will do everything in my power to be the best and work things out with this and have the life I have always dreamed of: a house, a husband (though I never want kids, I might change my mind in this regard) and understanding and an unbreakable bond between us. My feelings and my heart are in the right place now and I want to keep them that way.

Nothing will stand in my way and there is nothing I would not do to make our dreams a reality!

So many thoughts and feelings…so many things to do and places to visit and see; all of which I want to do with him and I want to see him smile always! He has a bright and warm smile and his embrace is all the medicine I need to keep my spirits up and going.

I’m going to promise myself that I will not deny my feelings no longer and I will do everything to show him that I care and to show him how much he means to me…I think I’m ready now to let go of the past and burry it at the back where it belongs and I will let myself go and live my life and the present moment with him and I will not think about the future. Just to live in this moment is a strong power. I got the will to reach this step and from now on I will reach even further, but not alone, together; we will do GREAT things! And our lives have just begun and I will make sure every day will be a beautiful memory and a beautiful feeling.

I can and I will! Just WATCH ME! 😉

New beginning!


New town, new house, new life and a new love!
Everything is new and I have to make the best of it and the only thing that I need to do is to find a new job and to find for him a new job as well! ❤

On the 7th of August 2018 I met a person that tore my walls down in seconds. Actually, I did not meet him until the 4th of February 2019… I only talked with him online and I saw him through videos on messenger..and we spoke on the phone…and it was…MAGIC!

He kinda has a nickname as Mr Illusion but it is kinda nice and he is everything I was expecting him to be and more… I don’t know if he feels the same for me, but since he left his place where he was and work too, that must mean something, right?

The story began on the 7th of August last year: it was all nice and friendly and then it began to become something else…something was starting to bloom within me and I felt more confident and more…feminine (?) While talking with him I realised many things and among those things it was the fact that I can be more than just ..me.. or something along those lines.
He made me see the better version of me and he opened my eyes to many other things…not to mention he broke through the walls that I had built up for so many years because of bad relationships and bad people influencing me badly…

And only today I realised that I feel something more for him… but let me start and continue with the story….

After everything was said and done we started talking about everything and anything…from personal experiences to objective plans and future thoughts…we talked so much and we stayed awake during the night … he was at work and I was just anxious to see him and hear his voice….oh…his voice…he is sooo….adorable… ❤ I don’t even know when he started to lock my heart and make me ache for him and yearn for him…

I don’t think I have ever wanted someone so much as I want him. And I’m not talking sex. NO! I’m talking EVERYTHING and the SEX! I think he is the second person of whom I think of getting married to… or better yet, the FIRST one to actually have the same goals as me and support me emotionally and actually do not try to judge me or change me in any way…

The story goes on and on and on and the conclussion is that at the beginning of 2019 I saw why I am alone and I feel like shit…and I wanted to change that…so I decided to givve myself another shot at something real and (maybe) a chance at happily married (ever after). Do I dare to dream? Yes. Do I dare to lose myself to find myself in him? YES! Do I want to do this until the day I die? FUCK YEAH, I DO! Do I know if he wants the same? (Mmm…no clue…) Yet I think he wants the same thing…

Funny thing is that he is the same in real life as he was on the internet, only MUCH BETTER and he is so tender and gentle and lovable…and ….I’m losing the words to say…I’m forgetting the language in which I am writing… Does this mean something? Mmmaybe… but what could it be?

Day ONE:
After I arrived in Coventry I could not fall asleep and I trembled the entire night…mostly because I was excited to see him and to actually meet him in person, face-to-face… I woke up at 4 AM and stayed awake until 6 AM when Starbucks opened and then I took on my clothes and went out to meet him.
I grabbed two cappuccinos and waited for him on the terrace… He came and we talked for hours and hours…then I went to his place…again talking for hours on end. It seemed he like talking or he was just too emotional after meeting me for the first time and seeing me face-to-face. I was a mute.. I was at a loss for words…so I spoke very little… My first impression of him was: he is adorable and he talks TOO MUCH! :)) ( LOL ) I don’t know exactly what his opinion of me was on first sight…but I guess it was a good one (he said he expected me to be as I am and I was much more). After all this, I went home when his time to go to work came around: 5PM.

Day TWO:
I continue my journey towards him and I did not let him be in peace and rest as I wanted more and more of him, to see, to hug, to touch and kiss… I just wanted to take my time with him and not rush into things…On Tuesday I paid the rent and everything was said and done deal with the house where we were going to begin our new lives.
Coffee was taken again at his house and it was ok, but on day two we kissed and we hugged and we spoke more about us…Actually he did the speaking (again :)) LOL ) and I stayed there and listened to him and I was marveled at how he managed to stay sane through all of the experiences he had so far…
But I did not tell him that, though it should come as a compliment, because it is! Nobody in their right mind could endure so much pain and loss and so much suffering as he did… People lose their minds over shit stuff and objects that can be easily replaced, but what about people who lose everything they have and everything they are? How should they react and how should they live on after that ? Well, he is an exception and he is MAGICal!

Day THREE:
I insisted again on seeing each other and I went to his place and found all the doors unlocked, except for his own room. I knocked once, twice, thrice and in the end he answered and opened the door and I was invited in. I spent the entire day with him…and I did not want to go home during the night.. I wanted to stay with him, even though I knew he would be leaving me alone as he was working at the club all night…it did not matter! I stayed and slept by myself on the bed and later on he came home to take a quick shower, then again to bring me food and the last he came back was at the end of his shift. That morning, the brink of the FOURTH day – 7th – of February was the day when he touched me and gave everything I wanted since the day I laid my eyes on him… It was beyond expectations!

Day FOUR:
It is the day he moved on and took his life into his own hands and decided to actually form something together. Which means this is the date when he actually came home, to OUR home for the first time! And it was a thrill the journey from there to here (which is actually 30 minutes walk from home to downtown) – but in my mind I think we have flown in 15 minutes… I was tired and excited at the same time! When we had a moment of a quick break I had to catch my breath as I felt my air was being sucked out of my lungs and I felt I was suffocating…but that was not said, I just sat on a bench and caught my breath and then we moved on and reached home.

Home, everyone else was there: the former renters and the mother of one of them. It was a little awkward, as we were tired and we carried all the bags and I wanted nothing else but to reach my room and just take a shower and then sleep! Well, plans do not go exactly as you think them up in your head and we had to eat then I took a shower and then I went to my room…only to find him asleep… I told him to go and take a shower..but he was dead beat, so I left him in peace about the shower. I dried my hair and put on my clothes and then he took me in his arms…and hugged me and kissed me …and suddenly I felt him… hard… (well, it is to be expected – he is young, after all!) LOL! So, I took care of it and then went to sleep.

Day ONE in the new house:
we stayed indoors and mostly slept, except for in the morning when we woke up at 4 AM and took our coffees and small breakfast. Then I sent him to shop around something to have to cook for the following days… He took everything listed and then we ended up cuddling on the bed and playing on our phones the game he has installed – Clash Kings – and then we fell asleep… then the fucking alarm went off! I tried to wake him up and make him stop the damn thing or I would break his damn phone! He did not want to listen to me and became upset and he turned his back to me and went on to sleep. I let him be, not saying another word, just turning on my side of the bed and trying to fall asleep… I dozed off a little but I could not rest very well as I felt bad for being upset and angry with him… I don’t know what the hell it is but I cannot stay mad at him for long… in fact… I had no reason to be mad him… but I just felt a little angry… and so I just channeled this anger towards him…but then I realized that it was pointless and useless and meaningless..and I had something else better to do than to just be angry at him.
So, I dialed back on my other sister, and spoke to her a little and asked her advice regarding Valentines and what gift should I give him on that day… she suggested a picture of the two of us in a frame but I am thinking of something more useful…a pillow for example on which he can sleep and I can hug…

I did mention before that only today I realised something IMPORTANT: I DO feel something more for him…but I want things to be real and I want to wait and see what he has to say…and what his move will be…

Until next time… See ya L8ER!

Don’t make…MISTAKES!


When someone says you have to leave something behind or you have to be remembered by something… they don’t necessarilly mean that you need to make BABIES!

You can be an actor and leave movies or theater plays which people can see and enjoy
You can be a singer or a composer and people will listen to the songs you wrote or even a writer or a poet and people will serenade their loved ones.
You can be anything you want to be! Just… DON’T make BABIES if you know you cannot handle them!

In case you really do feel the need to leave your name behind and leave a mark on this Earth, besides having a career and fame and money and you really, REALLY want to have kids, then DON’T CODDLE THEM! And DON’T give in to their whims!

Being a parent is hard, I get that. However, being a parent who gives in and fulfills every whim of their kids is NOT the right way of educating your kids! Because they will reach an age where they will think everything is for them and they will think that it is the right way of things to get the things they want.
Example: the kid wants a tablet; the parent gives it to him/her and then the next time the kid wants tablet the parent gives it again. Yet, once the kid does a naughty thing, he/she starts to cry out and yell like a madman, they start yelling they want the tablet; the parent should not give in and present the tablet. Then, the kid starts to yell even louder, so loud that the neighbours will be coming knocking on your door to keep it down. In this case, the parent should avoid giving the tablet and punish the kid by taking it away and not giving it back until it shuts up.

I am not an expert on educating kids and I don’t pretend to be one, but to be a parent means to know when to be rough and put the kid into his place and to know when to cuddle and hug and kiss the kid. In other words you have to be balanced in giving love to your kid and in showing him/her who is the parent and how to behave. Here, I am talking about the fact that some parents choose to just give their kids everything, except for their attention, I mean REAL attention! Not just toys and techy stuff and money on their hands! I mean REAL love and attention: play with them, teach them to be nice, stay with them and educate them to be better than before.

Just for the sake of writing, I’m going to write something here: I have been baby-sitting a kid of almost 5 years old and because the family situation is not that good, the parents are not together. The kid has stayed mostly with his dad and he did not receive any kind of education. He is very naughty and he does not want to listen to anyone, except when he is punished or pulled by the ears. This sort of punishment is the only way he listens to and he becomes nicer. This is because his dad was not a real parent. And now the kid is doing all sorts of naughty stuff which is not good for a 5 year old to do. It will be hard to undo the mess that his dad made, but everything will be fine in the end ( or that is what I hope for).

Mistakes happen all the time, but having a kid just because you don’t want to have an abortion because you believe in some sort of stupid superstition ..that is just DUMB! If you know you can handle having a kid, then go for it! But DON’T make babies just because society tells you to or because you fear being alone in your older days… That is just a very bad reason to have kids! You’re far better off by having a pet and saving a life…rather than giving life just to torment it with different experiences.. Not only that, but you would be tormenting yourself as well!

To end this post, I will say this: DON’T MAKE BABIES JUST FOR THE SAKE OF IT!

Do whatever you want, but if you decide on forming a family, BE SMART and BE RESPONSIBLE!

Almost end..of Autumn..


…And the end is near…for this season…Apparently, England has two seasons: mild cold and freezing cold – the winter is coming…so, in this situation what is to be done?
Read books on your Kindle device which you can get on your laptop as well, not to mention phone and tablet… So this app is everywhere! And it is very useful!

When I have nothing to do at work, instead of getting bored I just swipe my phone and I start reading the books I have collected so far – all romance/erotic/military/navy novels (with hunky Alpha males) – and the times passes so damn fast!

It was like yesterday I had filed my CV to get a job at Amazon and now look at me! Two months have already passed!!!

And I have been talking with that guy for the same amount of time – maybe longer – 3 months…. And he has answered my call – he has a new phone (with the screen smashed) and a sim prepaid card so I can call him whenever I miss him (or have the time). We talk on messenger as well.. but it is not the same thing…. It is one thing to her him loud and clear and another to see him….

All in all I am waiting impatiently to see how we will bond… I have feelings for him, though I did not tell him anything… I just let him understand that I feel something for him but not what exactly…

Until then I have to juggle the money for the rest, ordering stuff on Amazon and my ride to work and back…

And a small news as well will be coming in, but first I have to see if it is worthy of mentioning.

That’s all I had to say today (I basically wanted more to have something to write on my new baby Purple Laptop) – as I missed writing on him.