4th of October

.. Guess it only took me 2 days to realise the guy is not so bad …but I am the mean one…and the idiot one….poor guys is not so bad…he is a fighter and he insists that I am the chosen one for him…that I am the one who can bring him up and empower him….

But am I really that good? Am I the one whom he needs? He already has a little girl….but he has issue with her mom….and well…he is a little complicated…. Which is why I do not want to keep him away from his family….but I am not ready to be a mother…. I never want kids… but on the other hand, the girl needs a real home and a real family… And the law should be on his side. Why not do a good deed and help him get that family. It’s not like I gave birth to her, but I am sure I can never hate a child. I am an immense contradiction. I say I don’t like kids, but here I am thinking on how to get his daughter back to him…to have his dream come true…. to have his family….

Until then, there are several steps to take and the first one is to meet each other and see if we fit…yet somehow I have a feeling that we’re gonna be like a matching puzzle.

If I am to be fair, he would be the second man to whom I have thoughts of family things…and having a home….together…The first one was D., but he then showed his true colors and just became used to the idea of me….

I am thinking too far… things must be taken step by step…

I have the brains, the money and the means…he has the patience, respect and work and I believe that we can make this work. Only I need to be more open to him and more appreciative… I have issues with being appreciative…. I see the good in the bad people and those who do not deserve me and give them the benefit of doubt and yet, when those who truly need me, I kick them when they’re down…. maybe that is why some days I feel so bad….because I have a conscience that tells me: STOP IT IDIOT! YOU NEED TO LIFT THEM, not BREAK THEM!
Now I am done with the small cries and tears….


Now, today, I just want to be lazy and do nothing at all! I will take a shower later and wash my clothes, but not right now. Now I just wanna lay in my bed and do nothing…

Watch movies and just waste away the time….after all I have nothing else to do….
If you ever read the blog, yes, you, I am talking about you, Sir Magiiiiiii! In case you ever read the blog, do not be sad of the words I said before… just take them as a loss of my mind – momentary loss – maybe because I Was influenced by what I felt in the past, or how I was treated in the past…and that is causing me fear….

I still fear certain things: what if I am not good enough for you?
What if you find a different lady, a younger, more beautiful and smarter than me? What if she wants to have kids with you? What if…. ( my parents will not like you – but that is irrelevant, they do not mess with my life) 😛 They leave me to my means…proof of that is the fact that I ran away to Bucharest to graduate English-Japanese =))) my dad was not happy at first, and then he was grumpy (but then again, he always is ) :))))
Anyway, yes I do have fears…and regarding the physical aspect..let’s just say that can be done and indeed beauty is not forever, it goes away…and indeed I would be proud to see you with everything done: the papers, documents and have a job and be good and healthy….

And yes, I would be complete if you were with me, next to me, to hold me and to spoil me as much as I would spoil you… ( though I am not good at making breakfast or food) I know fashion and perfumes and other stuff. So, I really like treating my soulmate to the finest of the finest. Because only the finest people can have that from me and they deserve it! Yet, up until now, I have only met passing people who only..used me…never treated me right….and then they went on with their lives….

Conclussion of the day: I think one of the walls has fallen off…..and the rest are on their way to meet their doom…. or rather..to make way to a different sight….and a new beginning…..


Almost end..of Autumn..

…And the end is near…for this season…Apparently, England has two seasons: mild cold and freezing cold – the winter is coming…so, in this situation what is to be done?
Read books on your Kindle device which you can get on your laptop as well, not to mention phone and tablet… So this app is everywhere! And it is very useful!

When I have nothing to do at work, instead of getting bored I just swipe my phone and I start reading the books I have collected so far – all romance/erotic/military/navy novels (with hunky Alpha males) – and the times passes so damn fast!

It was like yesterday I had filed my CV to get a job at Amazon and now look at me! Two months have already passed!!!

And I have been talking with that guy for the same amount of time – maybe longer – 3 months…. And he has answered my call – he has a new phone (with the screen smashed) and a sim prepaid card so I can call him whenever I miss him (or have the time). We talk on messenger as well.. but it is not the same thing…. It is one thing to her him loud and clear and another to see him….

All in all I am waiting impatiently to see how we will bond… I have feelings for him, though I did not tell him anything… I just let him understand that I feel something for him but not what exactly…

Until then I have to juggle the money for the rest, ordering stuff on Amazon and my ride to work and back…

And a small news as well will be coming in, but first I have to see if it is worthy of mentioning.

That’s all I had to say today (I basically wanted more to have something to write on my new baby Purple Laptop) – as I missed writing on him.