Frustrations….

….are making their way into my life….because I can see now that I am the only one left alone on this Earth…I am the sole person who doesn’t have a place to belong to…or even someone to care about me….

I realize there are people who care about me but I long for something more REAL. The internet is not reality, the social networks are not something that can keep me happy and satisfied. My loneliness is due to the fact that I have no one to share what I feel  right now. My moment of sadness is here, right now I am crying without a reason. I just feel like crying. I have read too many happy mangas and now I am envious of fictional characters that have a happy life in the end.

Why do I have to feel like this? Why is it that I always have to disappoint someone and after that I try and give on doing that same thing that leads to disappointment… Why?! What have I done so wrong that nothing in my life is good? Ok, not everything is bad, I do have a family, a roof on my head, everything’s fine. But at the same time, things are not ok. Because I feel something’s missing. Maybe my brain went berserk and now has no way of returning to its’ initial stage where nothing was wrong and everything was ok. 

My frustrations are something that cannot be undone. Or they might get undone by someone who could calm me down and take away my worries. But that person doesn’t exist. I tried, I tried so many times, so many many many times that I got tired and I have just given up. I do not wish to find another soul for me because I find it hard to believe that someone can actually live up to my expectations without fail. There is no such thing as a perfect being. Even angels fall. They turn into demons. And demons are what keep me now bound to the dirt and the mud that I have sunk into in the last year. 

I cannot rise again to a clean level where everything is just the way I wanted it. Because the main reason is: money! The second reason: education and the last one is the same as the first reason. So, I might look money-hungry but looking at the lives of people around me, I see that money rule the world. In my case, because I cannot earn myself a living, I am like a leech for my parents and I am constantly frustrated because I cannot leave the nest. I will never fly away from here.

And my loneliness adds up to this feeling of uselessness. Even though I tried to be the perfect girl, I can’t because there is no perfect guy either. All of them have flaws, all of them have disappointed me. None was the person I thought I knew. Loneliness is killing me and that I have to accept. There is nobody in this world that can understand me and comfort me. I long for a hug, a warm embrace, a voice that can tell me that everything will be ok…I want a person close to my heart, I want a special someone…but I better stop dreaming, because there can never be a guy who can accept me as I am and love me. 

Every guy that tried to accept me as I am, was either a liar, a pervert or just too immature to understand me. And even if there is someone out there made for me, he is not close enough for me to see him. As my situation does not allow me to travel, I will never know the depths of true love. Oh well, I have resigned myself from a love life, yet my heart is empty and will stay that way until the day I die.

 

Good night, dear Shinigami~

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