Insecurities

I have lots of them and the first one is related to you:  do you still care? Do you still think I am the perfect/ideal woman for you? Do you still think of me as an awesome being?!

When I see you distancing yourself from I feel like I am loosing myself in the process too… I am depressed ever since spring came and I have been crying since the end of last week.
You may think I am overreacting but trust me, this is not overreacting. This is me exploding from the pent-up frustration I have inside and from all thhe bottled up feelings I have!

I want to say so many things to you and I want to do so many things with you but YOU WOULD NOT LET ME! And this is why I feel rejected and abandoned! You make me doubt myself and you make think something is wrong with me since you do not want to have sex with me or meet me or even text me.

I feel left outside and I feel as I we are just FRIENDS! NOT LOVERS! You have no idea what I am going through right now. I have given you your space that you need for you have to study and do your last term paper… but all you want to do is SMOKE and be HIGH all the time!

I agreed to you being a consumer and I support you in all of you decisions and I will be there for you…but PLEASE try and ACKNOWLEDGE my existence also! You neglect me and you make me feel confused and lost and irritated and yu make me feel like a stupid waiting for you to give me attention!

I don’t know how much longer I can keep this charade and I don’t have much time until I will explode and I will let EVERYTHING GO TO HELL!

But what do you care?!

You just think I am overreacting and you don’t give a shit on my feelings.

This is the conclusion I have reached!

You wanted me to be with you and then fuck it!  I will pay attention to her when it’s convenient for me…this is what I believe you think of me.

A few flowers and some gifts cannot compensate for your PRESENCE and for your ACTIONS and WORDS!

Can’t you see?! You are ruining me! I am having a DAILY MENTAL BREAKDOWN because of you!

Because of how you mistreat me!

Let me explain something: – the little things I love – a mmorning text; a good night text; ( ON MY PHONE); a missed call from time to time…. – and sometimes, MAYBE, sometimes, even a DATE! You do not appreciate me as much as I appreciate you and I do not think you care for me as much I do for you!

I don’t know if you will be reading this, but if you do read it please remember how you talked to me tonight and how you have been acting since Monday morning.

The worst part is that I love you so much I am tormenting myself for being angry with you!
The worst part is – NOBODY knows how I am feeling and the funny thing is – you do not care. 🙂

The attitude you have and the words you speak or write – to me – are more hurtful than a real wound made with a knife to my hand or wrist.

But again, you don’t care. 🙂

I don’t know if you realize the mistakes you are doing with me but soon…or maybe never – I will give up on fighting and I will become the same way you are – a cold ass bastard who doesn’t give a shit on anything or anyone.

I am beating myself up and I am blaming myself for being like this but in the end, nothing matters.

This life is fleeting and you will find your match as I am not the one to be with you… because you do not care enough and you don’t show me ANYTHING.

My mind is in pieces and I am never going to recover – over-reacting(?) – NO! Truth statement, that is all. 🙂

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